“Sums me up nicely: People say I’m the life of the party ‘cause I tell a joke or two Although I might be laughing loud and hearty Deep inside I’m blue So take a good look at my face You’ll see my smile looks out of place If you look closer, it’s easy to trace The tracks of my tears..”—Smokey Robinson at The Hollywood Bowl
Hello my sweet Tumblr friends. I’ve been away, and I need your good vibes more so than ever.
A quick update: I was recently hit by a car while on one of my many liberating, empowering runs. I’m fine, just broke my tailbone- but what it’s done to me in terms of perspective is quite phenomenal. Add to this the fact that ‘Legends’ served his purpose and is now gone. An end in unfortunate bad terms, his deception/his loss- my gain during our time and I am better for it. I recognize and for this I am thankful.
Music remains my constant- aside from fitness which is on pause right now. But, I promise to myself not to run, hide from feelings, to live and continue loving and believing, living ‘balls out’ - it’s the only way to live, my friends, to feel we’re really, truly alive. Stay tuned for more poetry, more music, more prose & more love. Let’s live a life of abundance, yeah! - xoxo I missed you! - haven ;)
So when I started HavenStory a little over a year ago, i was down in the dumps and music uplifted me to no end. I made it my quest and journey to find new bands, artists, remixes of songs, etc. Fast forward to now and, well, I am pretty much still down in the dumps, but I have exhausted my time and priorities between friends, dating and of course work/career, things that are helping me cycle out of divorce land into new me land. Not much time is left to discover new music, sadly, sadly so. So in the interim, i shall change my tune: HavenStory will remain a blog about relationships first and foremost, a blog with the occasional poem, and the occasional song. But i don’t want to mislead you, baby, that this here is a music blog. It’s just my words interpreting feeling, sometimes in pure coherence, sometimes in pure pain, nothing but the raw. But, i will always, always, strive to be positive and shed that light in my posts, writings and well, everything around me… because the world is so beautiful, and I am blessed to have the people i do in my life, blessed to be on my own and explore the never ending possibilities of me and really just life. Cheers, my Tumblr friends! Have you uplifted someone today yet? I promise you will feel better for it, go on: Love someone, admire someone, respect someone today and again tomorrow and so on ; ) xo -haven
Taunting Daring "Write bitch What have you got? Poetry you call it? Get on with yourself, girl Write me a sonnet About how you were betrayed Write me a love letter About the lover you met Write me your sorrows Your dreams Your intentions You sadly forlorn remain And I here this blank page Stare at you not in disdain Not in disdain But a blank page For you to maim Or possibly a life reclaim Yeah, a life reclaim Yours Today, you took all the right steps And here we are You writing You dreaming You loving Yourself and others Opening up to for once loved be Without trading anything in exchange Just a little ‘ol blank page staring at you No longer blank Thankfully Lovingly Because of your courage To spill it Like only spilled ink And raw emotions could”
God, what would this year have been Without Tumblr Without words Without friends And the courage you mustered The hills you climbed and hiked The iron you pounded to shape your body And thereby your mind Your soul To feel like only a superhero could And yet your heart for now remains frail But your friends and loved ones ready to the avail And I hear you say loudly and purely: “Thank you blank page, Thank you my friends, Thank you my pretty strangers, Who if only momentarily you have made me On a high feel Thank you God, Thank you mom, Thank you me, For picking myself up And matching emotions to words Feelings to laughter And broken dreams to hopes”
Here’s to 2012 and baby, baby To so, so much more!
So I didn’t say Sorry, was it my responsibility And did I Lead you astray?
You didn’t know Or so you claim That I was falling As hard as you But I’ve been hurt And I retreated You left me no choice And I had it in me To walk away
You had it in you To express Your words perfectly Matching your feelings As I fucked-up like a soldier lain And I was a rebound or so I suspected And so this guard of mine tough like concrete remained
Meanwhile you were certain that I was The one who got you, And I did That one who refreshingly sought you and Special made you feel And I wanted to, and so I did But, I needed that too. You gave it, But this fucked state of mine couldn’t see it- even if the awakening was so fucking rude
I fucked up I miss you But you needed more Than I could give you And I am not sure that Even writing this I could enough give for us two
What next, baby? Do you have it in you To grow this out and love me unconditionally? I’ve done it, And I know that I with you too can Will you simply lie by me? Share your dreams? And contently hold my hand?
Time is all I need, but not alone. I want you by my side Just understand It will take a bit more To let this guard down And let go And when I do, baby This world of ours, This world of yours I will be your lover, Your biggest fan And adoring admirer
Please give me some time, but don’t for a minute- Don’t for a minute Leave my side
I haven’t been fully honest with you, Tumblr. Withholding info and feelings is just as bad as a lie. And so i have deliberately not written because i needed time to sort me out. And guess what… I’m still not done. I know this much - if I were to recap the last few months, it would be something like this: September - elation, discovery; October - a test of all the lessons I thought i had learned this year; November - surprise, adventure; December - discovery, happiness yet grief and effen non-stop tears during this holiday week. And overall in December - fear - fear that good could easily turn to bad, hurt, vulnerability all those human emotions that scare the shit out of most us. Things with “Legends” have developed into something else, we don’t really know what yet, but it’s def something we both didn’t expect - we have both said we’re a bit afraid at the speed of things, but we’re in this and neither has backed away. So off we go and we continue to stay on for the ride. Merry Christmas, my Tumblr friends. I hope you are somewhere in the world being treated gracefully, lovingly, being respected and more importantly that you are sharing the goodness in yourself and loving and admiring someone back. Many blessings to you all! xo - haven
A most beautiful excerpt from the exceptional #Ayn Rand that resonates and touches on every emotion I feel about my state of being this year and onto #2012 as I regained control of my identity, vowed to honor myself and truly live life. Thanks to secretedsins for posting, you rock!
I am. I think. I will.
My hands … My spirit … My sky … My forest … This earth of mine … What must I say besides? These are the words. This is the answer.
I stand here on the summit of the mountain. I lift my head and I spread my arms. This, my body and spirit, this is the end of the quest. I wished to know the meaning of things. I am the meaning. I wished to find a warrant for being. I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.
It is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth. It is my ears which hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world. It is my mind which thinks, and the judgement of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth. It is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict I must respect.
I had always heard that what you put out in the world, you get back, but never really understood the meaning of it to really put it in motion. Then this year came when i left a long term partner and found all this energy that I had invested in him and saving our marriage, I could now invest in myself and pick back up. And so I began to put out this positive energy, this sense of wonder, curiosity and adventure and overall good-naturedness about people and the world, and I have seen it return to me twofold in awe. This week was beautiful evidence of that.
From a few nice times hanging with my new friend Legends to being treated to dinner at my gal pal’s new apartment. The nice texts I got from L throughout the week, some rockin bonding gal time and some sweet mom time too. I feel loved, blessed and nurtured. Remember how often I’d write about that “love-starved” feeling? I remember feeling so neglected for years with not a hand held. well, let’s not get into that, yeah. But, the beauty in it too is that I can give back and be a much better friend, confidant and even well, a much more fun date.
I learned so much about my friend tonight- I’ve known her for almost 10 years through work and it’s funny how just by listening and asking the right questions you can make someone feel comfy enough that they open up and begin really sharing and pouring their heart out. My friend and I had so much more in common than we ever imagined and it took for her to leave that job for us to get closer and I am so grateful to cultivate our friendship and grow it even more. Here’s to you, B! xo -haven
You know how I love The Gaslight Anthem - well, not since discovering those guys a few years back have I been so excited with a new band discovery. NeedToBreathe have that grit, southern rock, balls-out passion that I just ADORE. I love to turn up the volume and blast their tunes. Reminiscent of Kings Of Leon (and they get many comparisons, I’m sure), NTB are a breed of their own - similar, yes, but they set themselves apart. Please, if you stop reading the series here at day one: remember just one thing: download The Reckoning - it is jam-packed with ‘single’-worthy hits - my favs are "Maybe They’re On To Us," "Oohs and Aahs" "Drive All Night" "Able", etc.
Life is sooo good right now ; ). I just danced my little heart out to Arcade Fire’s “Ready to Start” - not once, not twice, but thrice, ha. Although yesterday I had a major cry fest in my car on the way home from work, what with a crappy day at work and then listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” (especially “Plenty”) - I just broke down. Well, it was a long time coming as I hadn’t let things out in a while. I wrote so, so much the last few days, I think it was all just bubbling up to the surface - finally. I’m really happy with the poems I wrote as a result since Thanksgiving- I’ll be posting in the next few weeks. Oh, and I came up with a project for myself: a mood-board of sorts to recap what a phenomenal year - 2011- I had in my new-found self as a single, empowered gal. It will serve as a reminder in 2012 of the things I was able to conquer on this very difficult year, the many new places I went to, the wonderful friends and family that were there for me every step of the way, the hikes, the runs, the stairwalks, the gym, my work family, my Tumblr family, and the new friends that I made, the strangers i thought i’d never see again that now have a nice little role in my life. To all of that and all of them, my mood-board will serve as inspiration to have a kick-ass 2012 and that LIFE - well, it nicely goes on ; ) Cheers, my Tumblr friends!
These are the days of Marmont Sky Bar and Trocadero Where men compete and win with more dinero A shrinking conscience balanced only by a growing erection Where girls compete with equally shrinking character Crushed by deception
Growing with lackluster personalities In a town notorious for being ready for its close up And ne’er an eyebrow raised for certain inequalities Best known for a treasure trove of dreams Yet still some always give up it seems
That may be Hollywood to some But, not L.A. My city shines and spreads it wings Like the angels it eponymously claims
The real shining lights are not those on Sunset Nor those dotting the mcmansion on the Hollywood Hills Of that mogul gracing the latest cover of Celebrity
The real lights shine from parks - Griffith onto McArthur and Echo From the factories of American Apparel to the Mozza kitchen Round the L.A. Mission To pristine mansion marble floors Scrubbed so, so sterile
Lights in some eyes have gone out At Olive View And LA. County jail At the factories of Wonder Bread Or Vermont and 92nd street Where yours truly was raised
But, not in this girl Not yet Not ever
From the RTD to SAMOHI From the Fairfax Market And the now weekly jaunts across Mulllholland Runyon and Fryman
This girl here Is in touch and connected Eyes lit brightly Feet firmly planted This girl here She has learned take nothing nothing for granted
Gather yourself already and give a fuck No one here to shine your penny Wish on a rainbow for your good luck
See the pieces on the floor? Pick yourself up, man You ask for help say you can’t take no more That your future is frayed And you parlay, wax on for mercy oh lord
What have you learned from this decade if not that man is a resilient weapon Loved ones passed Illness fraught Lovers parted Friends vanished And here we are, babe, broken hearted But still standing
Bombs ruefully color the sky in the East While rainbows paint ours here for us to feast Yet most go ignored Yeah they go ignored Just like bird formations Clouds hanging ever so gently above our jaded L.A. hilltops Yes, it’s smog-ridden L.A. But, I will take it any day over seeing soldiers slain Yet you email, text, phone, post and complain
Gather yourself already and look up Look around Friends that are left are a few But their goodness is abound I may not be there to hold your hand But a hand I will lend when I see you For once getting on Humming birds and butterflies they appear out of the blue And only you know this is true
So there friend, you are not alone But, you are you and you sabotage You deprecate Cast a shadow with the smallest of stone Enough Open up and let go Beauty is around us I love you But for now I go Until you, for yourself see That even a penny can shine on its own
I wanna give you kisses Like the ones that don’t come true everyday Hold you like someone who has never hurt me Embrace the possibilities Or simply get lost in your embrace I don’t want plans I don’t want promises I don’t want to discuss this I want your sheer longing To hear you say you thought of me all week Whether your longing for now is or isn’t skin deep Baby, you thought of me And that is all I need Baby, you have champagne I’ll make the chocolate covered strawberries And we stay up making love So be it, let’s talk about the mundane I wanna give you kisses like I said Ain’t it funny how strangers can meet And make each other feel loved Even if love is not what they’re in yet? Ain’t it funny we can severely hurt those we claim To in love be Yet we destroy, betray them, hurt them and wonder Well I ever be right again? Will I love again? Will anyone love me? Baby, thanks for the kisses Never mind these loose cannons firing in my head You are one of the few reasons Why I am okay, if only for today
Okay, so I haven’t been on #Tumblr as much and while this has not been by intentional design, I have to admit, that eh, I have been distracted by one I will continue to call "Legends." Yes, he’s still around, a few weeks later, and i think it’s because we are equally intrigued. (I write this as i polish off a medium thin-crust pizza that I made myself and champagne, ugh! tomorrow a 5-mile run fo sho.) The bottom line is… I’m giddy, dammit. Even if for a nano second, it’s mine to enjoy, fully, and I shall. It’s been a pretty spectacular last few days, what with meeting a 90’s celeb and partying with Legends, this actor and his crew, well beyond 2am last call, hey only in L.A. Legends has proven to be a nice meeting. And i take everything for face value in this discovery state of mine, hence my recent 'poem' inspired by Tristan himself. Goodnight Tumblr-ers, sweet dreams- like those I’ve been enjoying lately. Night, night xo - haven
I broke my hand in a million little pieces But, I didn’t get to sock you as hard. I tried with all my might to forget you But, you crept in the corner of My mind My pillow My pants And I should really get my hand out before I’m caught But, your memory is impressed in my eyes Likewise in these fingers of mine. Your taste lingers like your laughter And now your bad intentions But, all I want is to taste you once again Have you near So I can sock you As I hard as I can
It’s been an interesting last few days/week. Met a few intriguing people - an actor with broken ribs with a girlfriend who mistreats him - didn’t recognize him, then I IMDB’d him, and holy shit, he’s big time. A few other folks in between, but namely someone I will call “Legends Of the Fall” (as in lovely, long-mane Brad) - who has been endearing, fun and, well, a bit, refreshing, a rare breed. I don’t think I’ve ever in my 30-some years met someone like “Legends” before. However, I’m having a bit of a reckless phase, it’s taking every little fiber in me to muster up the positive, chin up thinking, and I’m not sure I’m in a state where I can be healthy or even interesting to Legends or anyone else for that matter. We’ll see. Thanks for your ‘likes’ and re-blogs, even if they’re only a few, they mean the world to me: Someone out there is listening, and I heart you for that. xo - haven
I was just thinking how sad that it gets darker soon, but who am i kidding? I am a night owl to my heart’s content ; ). I must be going through some sort of mania, because as depressed as I was today, I am now giddy: cooking, laughing, having wine & enjoying a playlist of Credence Clearwater, Bad Company, Jackson Browne & so on. Oh, and if only the aroma from my kitchen should come linger & waft your way: chicken pot pies, turkey chili, jalapeno cornbread & molten lava cakes. I don’t know when this cooking thing began, but it’s become therapeutic just like my 2-hour long work outs and equally long trail runs along the varied skylines of L.A. Thank goodness for good food and empowering work outs. Salud, baby! - haven
And most of your pictures were of me I wonder what it’s like to love someone so unconditionally I have let you down on many an occasion Yet I somehow lived up to all your expectations And in your heart there will always be love for me I can’t say you’re my idol, the person whom I long to be I can’t say you’re my savior, my keeper or treasure But you are mine and I can’t say that of anyone You are mine with imperfections You are mine to see in broken little pieces even if whole it looks in a reflection You are mine to care for in my careless 'I’m still learning' ways and in a way I have learned so much from you and I to continue to You are the fighter in me The fire that will never cease The gullible girl with infantile dreams You are the laughter in my belly The brightness in my eyes The reason I fight to honor myself and choose me Because you didn’t have these chances It’s a do over for you through me but it’s a world of opportunity you have given me I love you, momma
John Mayer fan this year, I’m still kicking myself for not seeing him at the Hollywood Bowl last year, oh well next time. I love this song because sometimes we just need someone to give us a little pep talk. You know when you feel like walls are closing in, like you’re just not good enough or wonder why you… it happens to all of us, but one thing is for sure: Feelings are not facts. And life is generally good if we can step out and see what’s bigger than us. I got lucky and found this live acoustic version, it’s a raw one-take and you can hear John talk to the crowd long after - just stop it where you like. But, it’s oh so good. group hug! xo - haven
on an upbeat positive note, the awesome dance sounds of Bob Sinclair deliver such a powerful message about love, unity and belief. I dance my little heart out to this song in my kitchen and make my way to the living room, bopping and smiling as I burn some serious calories. Oh and that whistle-like sound in the song, purely contagious, woo-ooh-hoo-hoo, woo-ooh-hoo-hoo ;)
Awesome lyrics: "Oh yeah, yeah… Open up your heart, what do you feel Open up your heart, what do you feel… is real The big bang may be a million years away But I can’t think of a better time to say
World, hold on Instead of messing with our future, open up inside World, hold on Wonder you will have to answer to the children of the sky World, hold on Instead of messing with our future Tell me no more lies World, hold on Wonder you will have to answer to the children of the sky
Look inside, you’ll find a deeper love The kind that only comes from high above If you ever meet your inner child, don’t cry Tell them everything is gonna be alright
Children of the sky… alright Open up your heart Tell me, how do you feel Listen now, tell them everything, right here right now Alright, everybody, here in the world You are all the children, alright
Together now, unite, and fight… oooh Open up you heart, no, peace, love for everyone Oh, no no no no no, alright, to the four corners of the world Sing it loud, sing it loud, sing it loud loud loud world hold on on
sing it loud, sing it proud everybody, yeah yeah yeah yeah, oooh Don’t take no for an answer, no no, not today Right here,spread love, everybody join together now One [race], one heart, love and unity, everybody sing yeah!”
“Haven’s Happenstance: Songs With A Message Series”
Hello my #Tumblr #friends, thanks for your messages, I’m better. Had a little bump in the road, but it was a good test in this positive momentum of mine.
In the last few weeks, I’ve had some good lessons about people, and I’m starting to realize that, for the most part, I don’t think we set out to hurt each other. Rather, it’s in the manner in which we carry out our situations – sometimes more careless than not – that people get hurt. And what many of us don’t realize is that it is never, ever too late to reach out to that person that you hurt, that is confused by your actions or simply misunderstood and tell them that you value them – whether it’s the short amount of time you spent together laughing, whether it’s their good intentions or just the fact that they will be good at or with someone or something else. The end result here is: positivity. Leaving things on a positive note.
Let’s not let people walk out of our lives feeling crummy. It’s the one super power we all have – to make others feel respected, valued, thought of, noticed, acknowledged. It’s so simple and can be done with a sincere, ‘I wish you the best, you’re a good person.’ And so with that comes my new Haven’s Happenstance song series – Songs With A Message: over the week I’ll profile songs that have a positive, feel good message to them. Songs that somehow have been surrounding me for the last few weeks – whether I heard them at a café in Italy as I was having a bummed out moment, or they came on the radio as I was tearing up on a drive home, or songs that are just in my arsenal of “Come on Haven, get on up and feel good. Life is short, but oh so beautiful, don’t waste a second of it.” Hope you like, chin up, xo – haven.
Shuggie Otis “Strawberry Letter 23.” It’s a rainy, moody day in Los Angeles, and this Shuggie here is the mood I’m in: Sweet, tender, loving, care, but no one with whom (I want) to share…. shucks - haven
Today’s “Haven’s Happenstance song: The Women Series,” #bcaware -Brandi Carlile “The Story.” Gosh, where do I start. This songs brings tears, so many, many tears which I have been pushing back, but peace comes with letting them out. For over a decade I thought this story as written by Ms Carlile here was mine. But, now that I’m on my own again, it’s become a story that I alone need to write. And the lovely community at Tumblr has so helped me with the beginnings of that. I saw Brandi in L.A. last year with The Avett Brothers and I was so blown away by both acts. I really didn’t know what to expect, as they both seemed pretty low key. Boy was I wrong. The energy, passion and raw, acoustic talent was eminent all around the theater. Brandi even performed a song completely unplugged with no mic, just clapping, her pure voice. It was incredible. As is this song. And because it holds such special meaning, I feature it as the last artist in my series dedicated to women in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Here’s to better times, much love - xo haven.
I was going to rant, wrote this post yesterday and sat on it for a day. So glad I did. I’ve decided to keep my blog positive and continue on my path of no grudges and anyone who carelessly hurts me, betrays me or toys with my emotions, well best to you, but I will not give
you another second of my self. Still, there’s a good story to my post, and so here’s a much-abridged version. Oh, and gone is the former title: “A Triangle So Fucked” :)
This is a true story, I promise you: I somehow naively fell into a trap, a triangle of I don’t know what, and of the three, I’m now shut out. A fortune-teller approached me about a month ago before I left to Europe. Randomly, out of the blue, she came up to me in a crowd and cautioned me and said something like “Be careful, you are between two. And people who you trust will be talking about you. Friends are not who you think they are.” And she walked away.
Now, in this raw, emotional state I find myself in this year, this really struck me. I tried my best to remain positive and forget about the awkward exchange, filed it away and didn’t tell anyone. For if friends are not who I think they are, my God, what do I have?
Sadly, as I reflect on the last few weeks… she was right. What happened has unfortunately made an impact on me; my guard is fully up. But, this too shall pass. I count my friends on one hand. It was too soon to open up, and I now know that. I’m letting it go. Here’s to starting the week off right!
fun spirit that comes through her music and her encouraging lyrics. Forget deep poetic prose, it’s not about that here. It’s about heart, genuineness, humility notwithstanding pure talent. "My Life" is one of those albums that is a rare gem as a whole. I just found out that she’ll be performing this album in its entirety here in L.A. next month, and you know who’s going to be there singing and clapping away… this gal right here, xo -haven
Today’s “Haven’s Happenstance song: The Women Series,” #bcaware -Diana Krall “I’ll String Along With You.” Ah, the beautiful sultry full-bodied voice of Ms Diana Krall. It immediately sets the mood for silky lingerie, candle light and slow dancing in your living
room or kitchen, barefoot ;). I hope to one day catch her live at the Lincoln Jazz Center in New York. If you don’t have her “Live In Paris” CD recorded at the classic Olympia Theatre, please run and get it. It’s exquisite. And if you’re as so much as ‘in like’ with someone at the moment, it will make you all nice and fuzzy inside. Slow dancing in my kitchen as I make a nice batch of turkey chili here on a cool-ish L.A. day, and signing off- xo haven