HavenStory

You didn’t ask

So
I didn’t say
Sorry, was it my
responsibility
And did I
Lead you astray?

You didn’t know
Or so you claim
That I was falling
As hard as you
But I’ve been hurt
And I retreated
You left me no choice
And I had it in me
To walk away

You had it in you
To express
Your words perfectly
Matching your feelings
As I fucked-up like a soldier lain
And I was a rebound or so I suspected
And so this guard of mine tough like concrete remained

Meanwhile you were certain that I was
The one who got you,
And I did
That one who refreshingly sought you and
Special made you feel
And I wanted to, and so I did
But, I needed that too.
You gave it,
But this fucked state of mine
couldn’t see it- even if the awakening was so fucking rude

I fucked up
I miss you
But you needed more
Than I could give you
And I am not sure that
Even writing this
I could enough give for us two

What next, baby?
Do you have it in you
To grow this out and love
me unconditionally?
I’ve done it,
And I know that I with you too can
Will you simply lie by me?
Share your dreams?
And contently hold my hand?

Time is all I need,
but not alone.
I want you by my side
Just understand
It will take a bit more
To let this guard down
And let go
And when I do, baby
This world of ours,
This world of yours
I will be your lover,
Your biggest fan
And adoring admirer

Please give me some time,
but don’t for a minute-
Don’t for a minute
Leave my side

- haven

(Art “Episodes” by Grzegorz Domaradzki via Marysoul )

I haven’t been fully honest with you, Tumblr. Withholding info and feelings is just as bad as a lie. And so i have deliberately not written because i needed time to sort me out. And guess what… I’m still not done. I know this much - if I were to recap the last few months, it would be something like this: September - elation, discovery; October - a test of all the lessons I thought i had learned this year; November - surprise, adventure; December - discovery, happiness yet grief and effen non-stop tears during this holiday week. And overall in December - fear - fear that good could easily turn to bad, hurt, vulnerability all those human emotions that scare the shit out of most us. Things with “Legends” have developed into something else, we don’t really know what yet, but it’s def something we both didn’t expect - we have both said we’re a bit afraid at the speed of things, but we’re in this and neither has backed away. So off we go and we continue to stay on for the ride. Merry Christmas, my Tumblr friends. I hope you are somewhere in the world being treated gracefully, lovingly, being respected and more importantly that you are sharing the goodness in yourself and loving and admiring someone back. Many blessings to you all! xo - haven

She remains my favorite poet yesterday, today and forever, good night, -xo haven
secretedsins:

“Hope” is the thing with feathers —
That perches in the soul —
And sings the tune without the words —
And never stops — at all —

And sweetest — in the Gale — is heard —
And sore must be the storm —
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm —

I’ve heard it in the chillest land —
And on the strangest Sea —
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb — of Me.

— Emily Dickinson

A most beautiful excerpt from the exceptional #Ayn Rand that resonates and touches on every emotion I feel about my state of being this year and onto #2012 as I regained control of my identity, vowed to honor myself and truly live life. Thanks to  secretedsins for posting, you rock!

I am. I think. I will.

My hands … My spirit … My sky … My forest … This earth of mine … What must I say besides? These are the words. This is the answer.

I stand here on the summit of the mountain. I lift my head and I spread my arms. This, my body and spirit, this is the end of the quest. I wished to know the meaning of things. I am the meaning. I wished to find a warrant for being. I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.

It is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth. It is my ears which hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world. It is my mind which thinks, and the judgement of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth. It is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict I must respect.

- Ayn Rand, Anthem

I had always heard that what you put out in the world, you get back, but never really understood the meaning of it to really put it in motion. Then this year came when i left a long term partner and found all this energy that I had invested in him and saving our marriage, I could now invest in myself and pick back up. And so I began to put out this positive energy, this sense of wonder, curiosity and adventure and overall good-naturedness about people and the world, and I have seen it return to me twofold in awe. This week was beautiful evidence of that.

From a few nice times hanging with my new friend Legends to being treated to dinner at my gal pal’s new apartment. The nice texts I got from L throughout the week, some rockin bonding gal time and some sweet mom time too. I feel loved, blessed and nurtured. Remember how often I’d write about that “love-starved” feeling? I remember feeling so neglected for years with not a hand held. well, let’s not get into that, yeah. But, the beauty in it too is that I can give back and be a much better friend, confidant and even well, a much more fun date.

I learned so much about my friend tonight- I’ve known her for almost 10 years through work and it’s funny how just by listening and asking the right questions you can make someone feel comfy enough that they open up and begin really sharing and pouring their heart out. My friend and I had so much more in common than we ever imagined and it took for her to leave that job for us to get closer and I am so grateful to cultivate our friendship and grow it even more. Here’s to you, B! xo -haven

I’m baaacckk! And I’ve got sooo much new #music to share that I decided to create a series out of it. Over the week, I will post new music that is completely rocking my world. Hope you like!

First up: I’m so ridiculously obsessed (no joke) with NeedToBreathe and their latest “The Reckoning.”

You know how I love The Gaslight Anthem - well, not since discovering those guys a few years back have I been so excited with a new band discovery. NeedToBreathe have that grit, southern rock, balls-out passion that I just ADORE. I love to turn up the volume and blast their tunes. Reminiscent of Kings Of Leon (and they get many comparisons, I’m sure), NTB are a breed of their own - similar, yes, but they set themselves apart. Please, if you stop reading the series here at day one: remember just one thing: download The Reckoning - it is jam-packed with ‘single’-worthy hits - my favs are “Maybe They’re On To Us,” “Oohs and Aahs” “Drive All Night” “Able”, etc.

Life is sooo good right now ; ). I just danced my little heart out to Arcade Fire’s “Ready to Start” - not once, not twice, but thrice, ha. Although yesterday I had a major cry fest in my car on the way home from work, what with a crappy day at work and then listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” (especially “Plenty”) - I just broke down. Well, it was a long time coming as I hadn’t let things out in a while. I wrote so, so much the last few days, I think it was all just bubbling up to the surface - finally. I’m really happy with the poems I wrote as a result since Thanksgiving- I’ll be posting in the next few weeks. Oh, and I came up with a project for myself: a mood-board of sorts to recap what a phenomenal year - 2011- I had in my new-found self as a single, empowered gal. It will serve as a reminder in 2012 of the things I was able to conquer on this very difficult year, the many new places I went to, the wonderful friends and family that were there for me every step of the way, the hikes, the runs, the stairwalks, the gym, my work family, my Tumblr family, and the new friends that I made, the strangers i thought i’d never see again that now have a nice little role in my life. To all of that and all of them, my mood-board will serve as inspiration to have a kick-ass 2012 and that LIFE - well, it nicely goes on ; ) Cheers, my Tumblr friends!

These are the days of Marmont
Sky Bar and Trocadero
Where men compete and win with more dinero
A shrinking conscience balanced only by a growing erection
Where girls compete with equally shrinking character
Crushed by deception

Growing with lackluster personalities
In a town notorious for being ready for its close up
And ne’er an eyebrow raised for certain inequalities
Best known for a treasure trove of dreams
Yet still some always give up it seems

That may be Hollywood to some
But, not  L.A.
My city shines and spreads it wings
Like the angels it eponymously claims

The real shining lights are not those on Sunset
Nor those dotting the mcmansion on the Hollywood Hills
Of that mogul gracing the latest cover of Celebrity

The real lights shine from parks - Griffith onto McArthur and Echo
From the factories of American Apparel
to the Mozza kitchen
Round the L.A. Mission
To pristine mansion marble floors
Scrubbed so, so sterile

Lights in some eyes have gone out
At Olive View
And LA. County jail
At the factories of Wonder Bread
Or Vermont and 92^nd street
Where yours truly was raised

But, not in this girl
Not yet
Not ever

From the RTD to SAMOHI
From the Fairfax Market
And the now weekly jaunts across Mulllholland
Runyon and Fryman

This girl here
Is in touch and connected
Eyes lit brightly
Feet firmly planted
This girl here
She has learned
take nothing
nothing for granted

-haven

(Art by Haven, taken at Runyon Canyon 2011)