Posts tagged life

Hello my sweet Tumblr friends. I’ve been away, and I need your good vibes more so than ever.

A quick update: I was recently hit by a car while on one of my many liberating, empowering runs. I’m fine, just broke my tailbone- but what it’s done to me in terms of perspective is quite phenomenal. Add to this the fact that ‘Legends’ served his purpose and is now gone. An end in unfortunate bad terms, his deception/his loss- my gain during our time and I am better for it. I recognize and for this I am thankful.

Music remains my constant- aside from fitness which is on pause right now. But, I promise to myself not to run, hide from feelings, to live and continue loving and believing, living ‘balls out’ - it’s the only way to live, my friends, to feel we’re really, truly alive. Stay tuned for more poetry, more music, more prose & more love. Let’s live a life of abundance, yeah! - xoxo I missed you! - haven ;)

So when I started HavenStory a little over a year ago, i was down in the dumps and music uplifted me to no end. I made it my quest and journey to find new bands, artists, remixes of songs, etc. Fast forward to now and, well, I am pretty much still down in the dumps, but I have exhausted my time and priorities between friends, dating and of course work/career, things that are helping me cycle out of divorce land into new me land. Not much time is left to discover new music, sadly, sadly so. So in the interim, i shall change my tune: HavenStory will remain a blog about relationships first and foremost, a blog with the occasional poem, and the occasional song. But i don’t want to mislead you, baby, that this here is a music blog. It’s just my words interpreting feeling, sometimes in pure coherence, sometimes in pure pain, nothing but the raw. But, i will always, always, strive to be positive and shed that light in my posts, writings and well, everything around me… because the world is so beautiful, and I am blessed to have the people i do in my life, blessed to be on my own and explore the never ending possibilities of me and really just life. Cheers, my Tumblr friends! Have you uplifted someone today yet? I promise you will feel better for it, go on: Love someone, admire someone, respect someone today and again tomorrow and so on ; ) xo -haven

This blank page stares at me
Taunting
Daring
“Write bitch
What have you got?
Poetry you call it?
Get on with yourself, girl
Write me a sonnet
About how you were betrayed
Write me a love letter
About the lover you met
Write me your sorrows
Your dreams
Your intentions
You sadly forlorn remain
And I here this blank page
Stare at you not in disdain
Not in disdain
But a blank page
For you to maim
Or possibly a life reclaim
Yeah, a life reclaim
Yours
Today, you took all the right steps
And here we are
You writing
You dreaming
You loving
Yourself and others
Opening up to for once loved be
Without trading anything in exchange
Just a little ‘ol blank page staring at you
No longer blank
Thankfully
Lovingly
Because of your courage
To spill it
Like only spilled ink
And raw emotions could”

God, what would this year have been
Without Tumblr
Without words
Without friends
And the courage you mustered
The hills you climbed and hiked
The iron you pounded
to shape your body
And thereby your mind
Your soul
To feel like only a superhero could
And yet your heart for now remains frail 
But your friends and loved ones ready to the avail
And I hear you say loudly and purely:
“Thank you blank page,
Thank you my friends,
Thank you my pretty strangers,
Who if only momentarily you have made me
On a high feel
Thank you God,
Thank you mom,
Thank you me,
For picking myself up
And matching emotions to words
Feelings to laughter
And broken dreams to hopes”

Here’s to 2012 and baby, baby
To so, so much more!

-haven

(Art “belle monde” via bookspaperscissors)

I haven’t been fully honest with you, Tumblr. Withholding info and feelings is just as bad as a lie. And so i have deliberately not written because i needed time to sort me out. And guess what… I’m still not done. I know this much - if I were to recap the last few months, it would be something like this: September - elation, discovery; October - a test of all the lessons I thought i had learned this year; November - surprise, adventure; December - discovery, happiness yet grief and effen non-stop tears during this holiday week. And overall in December - fear - fear that good could easily turn to bad, hurt, vulnerability all those human emotions that scare the shit out of most us. Things with “Legends” have developed into something else, we don’t really know what yet, but it’s def something we both didn’t expect - we have both said we’re a bit afraid at the speed of things, but we’re in this and neither has backed away. So off we go and we continue to stay on for the ride. Merry Christmas, my Tumblr friends. I hope you are somewhere in the world being treated gracefully, lovingly, being respected and more importantly that you are sharing the goodness in yourself and loving and admiring someone back. Many blessings to you all! xo - haven

A most beautiful excerpt from the exceptional #Ayn Rand that resonates and touches on every emotion I feel about my state of being this year and onto #2012 as I regained control of my identity, vowed to honor myself and truly live life. Thanks to  secretedsins for posting, you rock!

I am. I think. I will.

My hands … My spirit … My sky … My forest … This earth of mine … What must I say besides? These are the words. This is the answer.

I stand here on the summit of the mountain. I lift my head and I spread my arms. This, my body and spirit, this is the end of the quest. I wished to know the meaning of things. I am the meaning. I wished to find a warrant for being. I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.

It is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth. It is my ears which hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world. It is my mind which thinks, and the judgement of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth. It is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict I must respect.

- Ayn Rand, Anthem

(via secretedsins-deactivated2013011)

I had always heard that what you put out in the world, you get back, but never really understood the meaning of it to really put it in motion. Then this year came when i left a long term partner and found all this energy that I had invested in him and saving our marriage, I could now invest in myself and pick back up. And so I began to put out this positive energy, this sense of wonder, curiosity and adventure and overall good-naturedness about people and the world, and I have seen it return to me twofold in awe. This week was beautiful evidence of that.

From a few nice times hanging with my new friend Legends to being treated to dinner at my gal pal’s new apartment. The nice texts I got from L throughout the week, some rockin bonding gal time and some sweet mom time too. I feel loved, blessed and nurtured. Remember how often I’d write about that “love-starved” feeling? I remember feeling so neglected for years with not a hand held. well, let’s not get into that, yeah. But, the beauty in it too is that I can give back and be a much better friend, confidant and even well, a much more fun date.

I learned so much about my friend tonight- I’ve known her for almost 10 years through work and it’s funny how just by listening and asking the right questions you can make someone feel comfy enough that they open up and begin really sharing and pouring their heart out. My friend and I had so much more in common than we ever imagined and it took for her to leave that job for us to get closer and I am so grateful to cultivate our friendship and grow it even more. Here’s to you, B! xo -haven

Life is sooo good right now ; ). I just danced my little heart out to Arcade Fire’s “Ready to Start” - not once, not twice, but thrice, ha. Although yesterday I had a major cry fest in my car on the way home from work, what with a crappy day at work and then listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” (especially “Plenty”) - I just broke down. Well, it was a long time coming as I hadn’t let things out in a while. I wrote so, so much the last few days, I think it was all just bubbling up to the surface - finally. I’m really happy with the poems I wrote as a result since Thanksgiving- I’ll be posting in the next few weeks. Oh, and I came up with a project for myself: a mood-board of sorts to recap what a phenomenal year - 2011- I had in my new-found self as a single, empowered gal. It will serve as a reminder in 2012 of the things I was able to conquer on this very difficult year, the many new places I went to, the wonderful friends and family that were there for me every step of the way, the hikes, the runs, the stairwalks, the gym, my work family, my Tumblr family, and the new friends that I made, the strangers i thought i’d never see again that now have a nice little role in my life. To all of that and all of them, my mood-board will serve as inspiration to have a kick-ass 2012 and that LIFE - well, it nicely goes on ; ) Cheers, my Tumblr friends!

Okay, so I haven’t been on #Tumblr as much and while this has not been by intentional design, I have to admit, that eh, I have been distracted by one I will continue to call “Legends.” Yes, he’s still around, a few weeks later,  and i think it’s because we are equally intrigued. (I write this as i polish off a medium thin-crust pizza that I made myself and champagne, ugh! tomorrow a 5-mile run fo sho.) The bottom line is… I’m giddy, dammit. Even if for a nano second, it’s mine to enjoy, fully, and I shall. It’s been a pretty spectacular last few days, what with meeting a 90’s celeb and partying with Legends, this actor and his crew, well beyond 2am last call, hey only in L.A. Legends has proven to be a nice meeting. And i take everything for face value in this discovery state of mine, hence my recent ‘poem’ inspired by Tristan himself. Goodnight Tumblr-ers, sweet dreams- like those I’ve been enjoying lately. Night, night xo - haven

Driving on La Brea looking at all the quirky, cool home decor shops, on a beautiful clear L.A. day listening to The #Sundays, full of hope & wonder. Life is good. Happy Friday, Tumblr’ers

It’s been an interesting last few days/week. Met a few intriguing people - an actor with broken ribs with a girlfriend who mistreats him - didn’t recognize him, then I IMDB’d him, and holy shit, he’s big time. A few other folks in between, but namely someone I will call “Legends Of the Fall” (as in lovely, long-mane Brad) - who has been endearing, fun and, well, a bit, refreshing, a rare breed. I don’t think I’ve ever in my 30-some years met someone like “Legends” before. However, I’m having a bit of a reckless phase, it’s taking every little fiber in me to muster up the positive, chin up thinking, and I’m not sure I’m in a state where I can be healthy or even interesting to Legends or anyone else for that matter. We’ll see. Thanks for your ‘likes’ and re-blogs, even if they’re only a few, they mean the world to me: Someone out there is listening, and I heart you for that. xo - haven

Misery pills, did you take them today?
                     Do you feel anything?
            Do you hear me?
… Do I… exist?
                     Do I for you live? 
                                Do you for them a tortured life lead? 
                                            Where is she, your savior? 
                     Where is she, your failure?
And you blame her? Yes, you blame her.
                You’ll never see, will you? 
                       The beautiful landscapes around you, see the swallows?
                                   The convex beauty as day falls to night? 
                                No, you see shadows.
                                            Silhouettes of a man that could have been…
                                                  Do you see your reflection?  
                                                              Cracks,
                                                         Cracks  
                     All around you, cracks, or so you claim?  
                                                        Where is your might?
                                           And what have you done?
                                 Did you scare them away?
         Trade them for a self-fulfilled prophecy?
                 Misery pills, you’re running out of them,
                       Did you take them today?
                                     Are we going to fight?
                                 What am I living for?
                                                       Do I exist…?
                                               I leave
                  This tortured life of yours
              I leave
                 -haven

          (Art by unknown)