Posts tagged spilled ink

Tenderly they gaze
And as quick as the last embrace
They let go in fear
There could there be more
But who wants to know?
Who dares to go?
Might it be easier then… to forego

Yeah, she goes

The game is juicy
And he claims to lead
She’s so far ahead
Watch it, baby, lest you carelessly bleed

And on, he goes

Every now and again they slip
Into a rhythm so familiar and comforting
That neither wants to admit
So one clutching and the other gripping
This obvious connection they begin to omit

For now, on, they go

It’s a game he’s mastered
And as fun as it is for her too
It is his to lose
She will prove

And in the end they will their separate ways go
It was a game nonetheless
But both a true love let go

-haven

This blank page stares at me
Taunting
Daring
“Write bitch
What have you got?
Poetry you call it?
Get on with yourself, girl
Write me a sonnet
About how you were betrayed
Write me a love letter
About the lover you met
Write me your sorrows
Your dreams
Your intentions
You sadly forlorn remain
And I here this blank page
Stare at you not in disdain
Not in disdain
But a blank page
For you to maim
Or possibly a life reclaim
Yeah, a life reclaim
Yours
Today, you took all the right steps
And here we are
You writing
You dreaming
You loving
Yourself and others
Opening up to for once loved be
Without trading anything in exchange
Just a little ‘ol blank page staring at you
No longer blank
Thankfully
Lovingly
Because of your courage
To spill it
Like only spilled ink
And raw emotions could”

God, what would this year have been
Without Tumblr
Without words
Without friends
And the courage you mustered
The hills you climbed and hiked
The iron you pounded
to shape your body
And thereby your mind
Your soul
To feel like only a superhero could
And yet your heart for now remains frail 
But your friends and loved ones ready to the avail
And I hear you say loudly and purely:
“Thank you blank page,
Thank you my friends,
Thank you my pretty strangers,
Who if only momentarily you have made me
On a high feel
Thank you God,
Thank you mom,
Thank you me,
For picking myself up
And matching emotions to words
Feelings to laughter
And broken dreams to hopes”

Here’s to 2012 and baby, baby
To so, so much more!

-haven

(Art “belle monde” via bookspaperscissors)

You didn’t ask
So
I didn’t say
Sorry, was it my
responsibility
And did I
Lead you astray?

You didn’t know
Or so you claim
That I was falling
As hard as you
But I’ve been hurt
And I retreated
You left me no choice
And I had it in me
To walk away

You had it in you
To express
Your words perfectly
Matching your feelings
As I fucked-up like a soldier lain
And I was a rebound or so I suspected
And so this guard of mine tough like concrete remained

Meanwhile you were certain that I was
The one who got you,
And I did
That one who refreshingly sought you and
Special made you feel
And I wanted to, and so I did
But, I needed that too.
You gave it,
But this fucked state of mine
couldn’t see it- even if the awakening was so fucking rude

I fucked up
I miss you
But you needed more
Than I could give you
And I am not sure that
Even writing this
I could enough give for us two

What next, baby?
Do you have it in you
To grow this out and love
me unconditionally?
I’ve done it,
And I know that I with you too can
Will you simply lie by me?
Share your dreams?
And contently hold my hand?

Time is all I need,
but not alone.
I want you by my side
Just understand
It will take a bit more
To let this guard down
And let go
And when I do, baby
This world of ours,
This world of yours
I will be your lover,
Your biggest fan
And adoring admirer

Please give me some time,
but don’t for a minute-
Don’t for a minute
Leave my side

- haven

(Art “Episodes” by Grzegorz Domaradzki via Marysoul )

A most beautiful excerpt from the exceptional #Ayn Rand that resonates and touches on every emotion I feel about my state of being this year and onto #2012 as I regained control of my identity, vowed to honor myself and truly live life. Thanks to  secretedsins for posting, you rock!

I am. I think. I will.

My hands … My spirit … My sky … My forest … This earth of mine … What must I say besides? These are the words. This is the answer.

I stand here on the summit of the mountain. I lift my head and I spread my arms. This, my body and spirit, this is the end of the quest. I wished to know the meaning of things. I am the meaning. I wished to find a warrant for being. I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.

It is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth. It is my ears which hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world. It is my mind which thinks, and the judgement of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth. It is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict I must respect.

- Ayn Rand, Anthem

(via secretedsins-deactivated2013011)

I had always heard that what you put out in the world, you get back, but never really understood the meaning of it to really put it in motion. Then this year came when i left a long term partner and found all this energy that I had invested in him and saving our marriage, I could now invest in myself and pick back up. And so I began to put out this positive energy, this sense of wonder, curiosity and adventure and overall good-naturedness about people and the world, and I have seen it return to me twofold in awe. This week was beautiful evidence of that.

From a few nice times hanging with my new friend Legends to being treated to dinner at my gal pal’s new apartment. The nice texts I got from L throughout the week, some rockin bonding gal time and some sweet mom time too. I feel loved, blessed and nurtured. Remember how often I’d write about that “love-starved” feeling? I remember feeling so neglected for years with not a hand held. well, let’s not get into that, yeah. But, the beauty in it too is that I can give back and be a much better friend, confidant and even well, a much more fun date.

I learned so much about my friend tonight- I’ve known her for almost 10 years through work and it’s funny how just by listening and asking the right questions you can make someone feel comfy enough that they open up and begin really sharing and pouring their heart out. My friend and I had so much more in common than we ever imagined and it took for her to leave that job for us to get closer and I am so grateful to cultivate our friendship and grow it even more. Here’s to you, B! xo -haven

Life is sooo good right now ; ). I just danced my little heart out to Arcade Fire’s “Ready to Start” - not once, not twice, but thrice, ha. Although yesterday I had a major cry fest in my car on the way home from work, what with a crappy day at work and then listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” (especially “Plenty”) - I just broke down. Well, it was a long time coming as I hadn’t let things out in a while. I wrote so, so much the last few days, I think it was all just bubbling up to the surface - finally. I’m really happy with the poems I wrote as a result since Thanksgiving- I’ll be posting in the next few weeks. Oh, and I came up with a project for myself: a mood-board of sorts to recap what a phenomenal year - 2011- I had in my new-found self as a single, empowered gal. It will serve as a reminder in 2012 of the things I was able to conquer on this very difficult year, the many new places I went to, the wonderful friends and family that were there for me every step of the way, the hikes, the runs, the stairwalks, the gym, my work family, my Tumblr family, and the new friends that I made, the strangers i thought i’d never see again that now have a nice little role in my life. To all of that and all of them, my mood-board will serve as inspiration to have a kick-ass 2012 and that LIFE - well, it nicely goes on ; ) Cheers, my Tumblr friends!

These are the days of Marmont
Sky Bar and Trocadero
Where men compete and win with more dinero
A shrinking conscience balanced only by a growing erection
Where girls compete with equally shrinking character
Crushed by deception

Growing with lackluster personalities
In a town notorious for being ready for its close up
And ne’er an eyebrow raised for certain inequalities
Best known for a treasure trove of dreams
Yet still some always give up it seems

That may be Hollywood to some
But, not  L.A.
My city shines and spreads it wings
Like the angels it eponymously claims

The real shining lights are not those on Sunset
Nor those dotting the mcmansion on the Hollywood Hills
Of that mogul gracing the latest cover of Celebrity

The real lights shine from parks - Griffith onto McArthur and Echo
From the factories of American Apparel
to the Mozza kitchen
Round the L.A. Mission
To pristine mansion marble floors
Scrubbed so, so sterile

Lights in some eyes have gone out
At Olive View
And LA. County jail
At the factories of Wonder Bread
Or Vermont and 92^nd street
Where yours truly was raised

But, not in this girl
Not yet
Not ever

From the RTD to SAMOHI
From the Fairfax Market
And the now weekly jaunts across Mulllholland
Runyon and Fryman

This girl here
Is in touch and connected
Eyes lit brightly
Feet firmly planted
This girl here
She has learned
take nothing
nothing for granted

-haven

(Art by Haven, taken at Runyon Canyon 2011)

Gather yourself already and give a fuck
No one here to shine your penny
Wish on a rainbow for your good luck

See the pieces on the floor?
Pick yourself up, man
You ask for help say you can’t take no more
That your future is frayed
And you parlay, wax on for mercy oh lord

What have you learned from this decade
if not that man is a resilient weapon
Loved ones passed
Illness fraught
Lovers parted
Friends vanished
And here we are, babe, broken hearted
But still standing

Bombs ruefully color the sky in the East
While rainbows paint ours here for us to feast
Yet most go ignored
Yeah they go ignored
Just like bird formations
Clouds hanging ever so gently above our jaded L.A. hilltops
Yes, it’s smog-ridden L.A.
But, I will take it any day over seeing soldiers slain
Yet you email, text, phone, post and complain

Gather yourself already and look up
Look around
Friends that are left are a few
But their goodness is abound
I may not be there to hold your hand
But a hand I will lend when I see you
For once getting on
Humming birds and butterflies they appear
out of the blue
And only you know this is true

So there friend, you are not alone
But, you are you and you sabotage
You deprecate
Cast a shadow with the smallest of stone
Enough
Open up and let go
Beauty is around us
I love you
But for now I go
Until you, for yourself see
That even a penny can shine on its own

-haven

(Art via dyingofcute)

I wanna give you kisses
Like the ones that don’t come true everyday
Hold you like someone who has never hurt me
Embrace the possibilities
Or simply get lost in your embrace
I don’t want plans
I don’t want promises
I don’t want to discuss this
I want your sheer longing
To hear you say you thought of me all week
Whether your longing for now is or isn’t skin deep
Baby, you thought of me
And that is all I need
Baby, you have champagne
I’ll make the chocolate covered strawberries
And we stay up making love
So be it, let’s talk about the mundane
I wanna give you kisses like I said
Ain’t it funny how strangers can meet
And make each other feel loved
Even if love is not what they’re in yet?
Ain’t it funny we can severely hurt those we claim
To in love be
Yet we destroy, betray them, hurt them and wonder
Well I ever be right again?
Will I love again?
Will anyone love me?
Baby, thanks for the kisses
Never mind these loose cannons firing in my head
You are one of the few reasons
Why I am okay,
if only for today

-haven

Art by A Childhood Dream | Yusuf Artun via bookspaperscissors

Okay, so I haven’t been on #Tumblr as much and while this has not been by intentional design, I have to admit, that eh, I have been distracted by one I will continue to call “Legends.” Yes, he’s still around, a few weeks later,  and i think it’s because we are equally intrigued. (I write this as i polish off a medium thin-crust pizza that I made myself and champagne, ugh! tomorrow a 5-mile run fo sho.) The bottom line is… I’m giddy, dammit. Even if for a nano second, it’s mine to enjoy, fully, and I shall. It’s been a pretty spectacular last few days, what with meeting a 90’s celeb and partying with Legends, this actor and his crew, well beyond 2am last call, hey only in L.A. Legends has proven to be a nice meeting. And i take everything for face value in this discovery state of mine, hence my recent ‘poem’ inspired by Tristan himself. Goodnight Tumblr-ers, sweet dreams- like those I’ve been enjoying lately. Night, night xo - haven

I broke my hand
in a million little pieces
But,
I didn’t get to sock you as hard.
I tried with all my might to forget you
But, you crept in the corner of
My mind
My pillow
My pants
And I should really get my hand out
before I’m caught
But, your memory is impressed
in my eyes
Likewise
in these fingers of mine.
Your taste lingers
like your laughter
And now your bad intentions
But, all I want
is to taste you
once again
Have you near
So I can sock you
As I hard
as I can

-haven

(Art “glorious wounds” via agnes-cecile.deviantart.com )

It’s been an interesting last few days/week. Met a few intriguing people - an actor with broken ribs with a girlfriend who mistreats him - didn’t recognize him, then I IMDB’d him, and holy shit, he’s big time. A few other folks in between, but namely someone I will call “Legends Of the Fall” (as in lovely, long-mane Brad) - who has been endearing, fun and, well, a bit, refreshing, a rare breed. I don’t think I’ve ever in my 30-some years met someone like “Legends” before. However, I’m having a bit of a reckless phase, it’s taking every little fiber in me to muster up the positive, chin up thinking, and I’m not sure I’m in a state where I can be healthy or even interesting to Legends or anyone else for that matter. We’ll see. Thanks for your ‘likes’ and re-blogs, even if they’re only a few, they mean the world to me: Someone out there is listening, and I heart you for that. xo - haven

I was just thinking how sad that it gets darker soon, but who am i kidding? I am a night owl to my heart’s content ; ). I must be going through some sort of mania, because as depressed as I was today, I am now giddy: cooking, laughing, having wine & enjoying a playlist of Credence Clearwater, Bad Company, Jackson Browne & so on. Oh, and if only the aroma from my kitchen should come linger & waft your way: chicken pot pies, turkey chili, jalapeno cornbread & molten lava cakes. I don’t know when this cooking thing began, but it’s become therapeutic just like my 2-hour long work outs and equally long trail runs along the varied skylines of L.A. Thank goodness for good food and empowering work outs. Salud, baby! - haven

I took a look at your camera
And most of your pictures
were of me
I wonder what it’s like
to love someone so unconditionally
I have let you down on many an occasion
Yet I somehow lived up to all your expectations
And in your heart
there will always be love for me
I can’t say you’re my idol,
the person whom I long to be
I can’t say you’re my savior,
my keeper or treasure
But you are mine
and I can’t say that of anyone
You are mine with imperfections
You are mine to see in broken little pieces
even if whole it looks in a reflection
You are mine to care for in my careless
‘I’m still learning’ ways
and in a way
I have learned so much from you
and I to continue to
You are the fighter in me
The fire that will never cease
The gullible girl with infantile dreams
You are the laughter in my belly
The brightness in my eyes
The reason I fight to honor myself
and choose me
Because you didn’t have these chances
It’s a do over for you through me
but it’s a world of opportunity
you have given me
I love you,
momma

-haven

(Art “Secret Boxes” by patidescalzaviajo via mariposima reblogged from chromasoma)